Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Elizabeth's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, December 26th, 2002
8:08 pm	i'm going to try to be more regular. maybe i could try metamucil. just kidding, of course...i meant about the journal. it's only been a few days since my last update, which is phenomenally better than my previous track record which showed updates about once every two months. Christmas was great, I got a bunch of fabulous stuff...including the pea coat I've been pining away for for about three months now. It's great...it's so weird, because I put it on and look in the mirror and I actually see an adult. Before I always thought I looked like such a kid, but now I see myself in the mirror and I think I kind of look a little bit grown. Just a little, mind you...I'll probably still be a kid for about ten more years. Damn baby face. But along with all the presents I got $50 and a gift card to Cato, so I did a little shopping this afternoon, which was very nice. I'll be out again Sunday morning, when all the non-heathens aren't shopping...and I'm sure I'll bring home quite a haul then, as well. Jessica is home for Christmas and she's going out to lunch with Mike, Stefanie and I tomorrow. I cannot even describe how psyched I am. I just wish she would come back and sit in her desk again. But she's the editor of a magazine called WO and she's tearing up the Capitol city...which is awesome. I'm really happy for her. I know she's having a great time. I had this dream the other night that she came back over Christmas break and worked while she was here. It was a good dream. But alas, it was just that--a dream. But I do get to see her and chat with her and hear about all her exploits tomorrow, so I'm looking forward to it. The boy is gone on a basketball tournament, he'll be back the 29th. I'm thinking an email would be appropriate...after all, we are allegedly getting together over the break and it's yet to happen. So hopefully something will come together before we go back to school. *fingers crossed* My mom and I were just talking about my brother's graduation...I can't believe he's graduating from college. It's just strange to think that he's an adult now, he's going out into the world basically...cliched, I know, but somewhat true. He still thinks I'm a "fucking six year old" as quoted from his live journal, but that's life. We better not have to miss more than three days of school for that flippin' graduation or I'm callin it a college visit so help me God. I will not take my exams. Won't do it. And on a closing note, I've come to my decision. After quite a while deliberating, I've made up my mind--I'm going to New York. I have several reasons. First and foremost, it does strike me that this situation is much like one between two conflicting engagements with friends. The friend that asked you first is the one you hang out with. Therefore, I see it as New York asked me first. Secondly, I can see no way that the NY trip could possibly be bad. That was my fear about Disney--that I'd go and I wouldn't have a good time, that something would happen with friends or enemies, whichever you like, and the whole thing would suck and I'd regret the decision to go. There is no way that's going to happen in NY. No matter what, I've got my one friend--Taylor, who is kick ass--and we're going to kick it and have a freaking awesome time. Period. No chance for failure there. Those are my two biggest reasons. The more petty reasons include, but are not limited to: I just got a new pea coat, and need somewhere cold to wear it; Coach Rubio could be going; the shopping is better; I want to live there some day; I could see a taping of SNL. With that list, I'm off. And as always, comments are welcome and greatly, greatly appreciated...especially from people I miss very much. =) Thanks sugar. Current Mood: calm Current Music: Justin Timberlake - What U Got (Comment on this)
Monday, December 23rd, 2002
10:15 pm	a mess. wow. So it's definitely been a long time since I've been on here, and I suppose that's for lack of something to say. Though now that I begin to write I wonder if that's really true, or if I've just been bottling it up inside long enough to make for a really nice, intense long ranting session. maybe the latter. anyway. I sat in my room for about 25 minutes tonight just telling the phone to ring. It didn't work, in case you're wondering. And I'm not sure why I didn't just pick it up and call him. Maybe it's because of the way he said it in the email..."i'll call you about it in the next day or so." Or maybe somewhere deep down I believe that if HE calls ME and asks me about the movie that it will be more like a date and I can convince myself and others that it is. I don't know. All I know is I'm letting myself get in way too deep. I mean, no, I'm not in love with him--of course not. But I have started to really like this kid. I think about him all the time, and all this without any real type of assurance that he likes me in the same way. Sometimes I just feel like I'm the one who's leading me on...I'm making myself believe that it's something it's not. But then again, it's a back and forth--what if it really is something? This is so confusing. I just want to know, plain, simple and clear, what it is. And you know what, I know that if it isn't what I think it is I will be disappointed...but God, then at least I would know. I spent some time with Stacy on Sunday, we went to lunch and exchanged our presents. It was a really, really good time...the kind of good time I haven't had in a while. I sent her an email about the way I was feeling about us growing apart several weeks ago and I know she read it...and she hasn't said anything. And so now I'm thinking, should I bring it up? Do I say something? Because yeah, things are great, we went out and did something, but it's not going to change. She's my best friend, and she's choosing him over me...maybe it's something that I'm just going to have to live with, and try to get her to schedule me in...but I'm really going to miss her. So when we go out on Sunday I ask her about Disney World. Of course, when I say Disney World I mean whether I should go to Disney or to New York, this horrible shitty decision I have to make in a time span of about two weeks. And I was really hoping that she would help me make up my mind. I was hoping that she would be enthusiastic, and say "yeah, come to Disney! don't go to NY!" But she didn't. And I'm sure her intentions were good...I'm sure she was just trying to let me make up my mind for myself...but in this situation I really need someone to make my mind up for me. There are so many reasons for and against both trips that my head is spinning. I honestly don't know what to do and my number one fear is that I'm going to make the wrong decision. And then Amanda Seals instant messages me today and wants to know about this scandal that happened with one of the other school's advisers and the YMCA adviser, and it's like I can't even talk to her without feeling like she's spying on me. She's such a fucking mole it's ridiculous. Like everytime we talk she's trying to get information out of me, but this time I was just like no. I held my ground and told her I wasn't going to give out all the dirty details. And then there's this voice in my head telling me what a freaking cry baby I am for complaining about having to make this decision. Oh, I'm so put upon, I have to decide between Disney World and New York...wa wa wa. I know. But honestly, beneath the surface it's a lot more than two places and two trips...it's two different opportunities, two different friendships and two different outcomes on the line. I don't want to fuck up the end of my senior year because I made the wrong choice. And then, of course, ultimately in my brain it all goes back to the boy. And it's the strangest feeling in the world because with him more than any other guy I've liked ever I have this desire to hold him and hug him and it's almost like I can feel it sometimes. Maybe I'm just such a hopeless romantic that at a certain point you begin have hallucinations. It's possible. I saw Nicole yesterday for the first time in years and God was that a weird experience...she's sleeping with everybody in the western hemisphere and even told me she had sex with a married man just two weeks ago and they have sex all the time. What the hell? I mean maybe it was better that she moved away because at some point I have a feeling we would have gone down two separate paths. I don't know. It was definitely a strange few hours. I'm just about ready to do this whole Christmas thing and send my brothers packing...well, Ben, at least. I don't know what gets into his fucking brain some times that he just thinks he can treat me like third rate shit if he wants to...but what frustrates me the most about the whole thing is that then the next day he'll be back to being my best friend. And I'm about ready to put a stop to it--it's like he thinks it's okay to just be as mean as hell to me one day and be my friend the next...like he forgets it, it means nothing to him. All I can think about is the fact that we'll probably never be able to have a functional, adult relationship because he treats me like garbage. Some of the things he has said to me before I wouldn't even say to my worst enemy...he has probably made me cry more than anyone else, not counting my parents; those tears were for entirely different reasons. I sat in my room for about a half hour and cried yesterday, because what he said hurt me so badly. Maybe one day we'll have some kind of normal relationship. But I'm putting a stop to the way he thinks things can operate now. If he wants me as a friend any of the time, he better treat me with respect all the time. I got in trouble a few years ago when I said I couldn't wait for him to go back to school over spring break, but you know what, I honestly feel that way the majority of the time. We have no kind of relationship and I'd almost rather him not be at home. I feel like he only loves me because he has to. This has been a sufficiently long ranting session I suppose...I definitely got it all out. I think. If I didn't I guess I'll be back for more later. I don't even know if anyone reads this anymore. If they do, they're in for a treat today. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Cry Me a River - Justin Timberlake (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, October 6th, 2002
12:11 pm	yeah, so i'm lazy...but i'm back. It's been a while since I've been on here, yet I feel no remorse for not keeping the world updated. Something tells me the world doesn't really give a damn. Besides, if I had been updating all this time all it would be about would be fighting with my friends, stressing out over newspaper, stressing out over band, stressing out over school, wishing I could go to college and wanting to go to sleep really badly because I'm exhausted all the time. So it's probably best that I wasn't on here all the time talking about that. It probably wouldn't have been healthy. Oh yeah, I almost forgot one of the other things I would have been talking about all the time...being lonely. I think that caps the list off. But I did decide that when I have my very own boy, he's going to smell good. Even if it's not a particular cologne, he's just going to smell good. And he's going to wear suits sometimes because I think a boy in a suit is just fabulous. And he's going to have a really good sense of humor, too...and a few other things. I'm working on formulating a list. Is it time to graduate yet? Oh, damn. Only October. I don't know if I'm going to live through this. But I'm trying. Current Mood: awake Current Music: Led Zeppelin- Stairway to Heaven (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 7th, 2002
5:51 pm	i wish i was in wisconsin... I miss Meg, Peter and Sean. But what's new, really? I think I'm probably going to miss them for the rest of my life, unless we could somehow end up like the Golden Girls and live together in some sort of commune. =) I can't stop listening to love songs lately...it's so weird. And I stay up until all hours of the night because I can't sleep because my brain won't shut up. And part of me is okay with that, because it's fun to have these feelings...and then the other part of me hates it because I can't act on them. Susan asked me today if he could move to Tennessee...it's a thought, but I just don't think it's in the cards. =) School starts on Monday. Where did the summer go? I take comfort in the thought that this is my last year of this run-around...high school. After that, it's off to college...the place I've been wishing I was for about four years now. It'll come soon enough, I know. It just sucks because I feel stressed right now and it hasn't even started yet...it's like I'd like to have as much stress free time as possible, but I just don't see it happening. I'm going to pick up our tee shirts tomorrow for newspaper, so that's exciting. This should be a good year. Somebody knock on wood... I'm finally going to get to see Daniel, and that's definitely a high point of my week. I thought he might be dead somewhere or something. I got my pictures back from Wisconsin yesterday and I've already snipped half of them up and put them on my bulletin board. The other half I'm saving for framing and blowing up into 8 by 10's and all that cool stuff. You know how I am, I'm sure...a framin' fool. =) I guess that's all for now, dinner calls. More updates to come later, I'm sure. Current Mood: hopeful Current Music: Norah Jones - Don't Know Why (Comment on this)
Friday, July 19th, 2002
11:47 pm	band nerd at large... Been back for about two weeks now...things are coming back together slowly. I've been workin' on my CHA scrapbook, so that's keepin' my mind in the zone still. Speaking of zones, I've been in the band zone for the last week. Band camp is in full swing, and it's pretty crazy...it's just that whole thought of...hey...I'm a senior. It's so cracked out. Me and Stacy just say it sometimes to each other and we're like...damn. We're seniors. It's so weird. In two weeks I go to Wisconsin, I'm pretty excited about that one! Gonna see my girl Angie get hitched...she was my group facilitator at HOBY World Leadership Congres...an awesome awesome person in every way. Three other people from my group are going too so it's going to be really cool. I can't wait. Plus it's kind of cool...this is like the first big thing I just decided I was going to do...and I did it. It was like, hey. I'm going to this wedding. And I bought the ticket. And now I'm going. Kind of surreal. Went to Starbucks tonight with David...and what did we talk about? Band. We'd move off to something else and we'd come right back to it...and we got ourselves all excited. We are such band nerds! It's ridiculous. We were basically walking ourselves through a competition in our mind...and getting all hyped...and talking about all the different competitions we've been to and what it was like...and the tension of the awards ceremony and the nervousness before you go on...all of it just rocks. God I love marching season. Anyway, it's late...and I'm exhausted...and we're going to get a nice family picture taken bright and early tomorrow...well, me, Ben and Noah. I just hope this is going to be quick and painless. But somehow I know that's not possible. Oh well...more later. Current Mood: drained Current Music: George Harrison - Got My Mind Set on You (Comment on this)
Monday, July 1st, 2002
12:16 pm	cha, cha, cha.... We get our schedules by the week. It really sucked on Saturday night getting that final schedule...on Saturday it said...time to go home. I miss my mom and dad and all....but I want to stay with these people forever. Damn this sucks. I've developed an entirely new CHA crush/potential hookup. The story is way too long to tell on the livejournal, and much more entertaining in person anyway. But basically, he's an RC named Jonathan who is going to be a senior at MSU this year...he's funny and cute and has an awesome personality. And he's always starin at me and he went out of his way to set up this tour of the MSU newsroom for me...yeah. It's pretty cool. I'll have to fill you in on the entire story at a later date...but...true to my overactive imagination's usual tendencies...I've already planned out our dating relationship and our married life. I am such a freak. Anyway. The ladies of the fifth floor made a fan club for one of the academy faculty members...he's this really anal guy named Randy Black...you can check out his picture at www.murraystate.edu/cha. Anyway, we think the way he talks/walks/acts/is is really funny, so we made him a fan club. We have a salute and a pledge and we've had three meetings so far. The name of the club is the Simply Magnificent Phenomenally Delightful Tremendously Terrific Dr. Randall Black Fan Club...also known as the SMPDTTDRBFC. I'm the prez...naturally. And we have readings of Harry Potter, because Randy does all of the voices...so the other night Randy called a meeting...it was so weird. I'm the one that usually calls meetings, so we were all really concerned that we may be in trouble. Hey, we're teenagers...what else are we supposed to think? But it turns out he called the meeting to present us each with personalized autographed copies of his opera CD...he's like a legend in the Opera world, so it was really cool. Every week we have community meetings and at the ones on Monday, the RC's always do skits. They're ALWAYS hilarious...and they also present "hub awards." They're actually hubcaps that were donated and they paint them and write things on them and present them to people. Well, this morning, I got one. We've had karaoke twice now and I have been lovin' it...and we're going to do it again on July 4 so that should be awesome. But anyway...I got a hub award for being the reigning Karaoke Goddess! It's awesome. I can't wait for everyone to see it. And they're going to be awards at the end banquet and that should be hilarious too. I am having such a good time...I don't want to leave. Even staying up until 3 in the morning talking about nothing just to be dead tired all day the next day is worth it! It's so nice to go somewhere so different from what I'm used to...here they like me. I'm cool for the love of God! And the awesome thing is, we really all are...we all love each other and think the world of each other. I love it. Oh yeah, and I'm dying my hair. (Don't worry, my wonderful Express and Beacon cohorts, it shall be something of nature.) So that should be a cool surprise for everyone when I come home. This is just an awesome experience...I love the people I'm here with, the things we're doing...I love seminar, I love class, I love it all. We have a reunion in September, on the 14th...that should be too early for a band competition. If there is one I think I'm going to cry. I'm taking lots of pictures, so worry not! You will see and hear about it all more than you will ever want to. Ever. =) Love you kids. See you on SATURDAY! Current Mood: loved Current Music: Duran Duran - Hungry Like the Wolf (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 26th, 2002
12:05 pm	hot boy hunter...episode one So it seems it's become a bit of a chase...how many hot boys can we see in one day? And everyday the number just grows...there are all these counselor guys here for these other programs and there is this one who has the nicest butt. wow. So I almost didn't get my lunch today because they called my number and I couldn't stop staring at him so I didn't hear the lunch lady. Yeah. it's that bad. Anyway, moving on. We did Karaoke the other night. That was awesome. Of course, I had a solo piece...I did I will Survive, and kicked its ass, naturally. I also did Wannabe with three other girls and I did the rap at the end which was awesome. Then a bunch of us did independent women, which was funny because I ended up ad-libbing a lot of the words. Then I did I got you babe with one of the guys' counselors, Johnathan. It was so much fun and it was really cute. Also on the Johnathan note, he got me a tour of the Murray State News newsroom, which was really cool. They have reallllllllly nice facilities. Really nice. And of course, the guy who gave me the tour was hot, too. Go figure. Anyway, so John's friends with the guy and called him up and got it arranged and took me through and got me some copies of the paper and answered a bunch of my questions about the journalism program. So that was really good. Who knows...I think right now Murray could probably be on my fall back list. But it could move up. I'm trying not to let the number of hot guys in any way influence my decision. =) So yeah. Hot guys=good. CHA=good. Karaoke=good. Happy yay. Check you guys later. Drop me an e-mail. Current Mood: exhausted Current Music: U Don't have to Call - Usher (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 22nd, 2002
5:36 am	Who's the poo? take a big wiff. Greetings from Murray, what we can now safely say is my party capital for the summer. Yesterday was awesome. By far the best day since we've been here. We went to this place called Cherokee Park, and there's this huge lake there. We basically just sat out around the water, chilled, talked and made our cheeks pink. There was volleyball and crew and all kinds of other cool stuff, but it was just so relaxing...just being able to chill by the water all day...it rocked. And the funniest part about the whole thing was that these two guys and two girls got in trouble for basically looking like they were having sex in the water! They were really pissed off about it, but we all thought it was pretty damned amusing. =) Needless to say, I don't like those people very much. But anyway, on with yesterday. So we got back from the lake around 5:30 or so, and we started getting ready for...get this...the TOGA PARTY. It kicked so much ass. We all pulled our sheets off of our beds and we looked so fly. This girl Ashley did my hair and she french braided it on both sides and then pulled it up into buns and put ivy in them. Then I put glitter all over my head and Leanna helped me put glitter all over my face and arms, too. I had my rope sandals on with an ivy anklet and ivy on the shoulder piece of my toga. The whole night rocked. We had the party at the Sigma Chi house on campus and it was so fresh. The dance floor was downstairs and the music was great because Matt, an RC's, brother, who's a Sigma Chi, was the D.J. So as we were getting dressed, I proclaimed myself the sexiest toga lady of all, and suddenly I became the Toga queen. And all of the girls with me getting ready were the Toga princesses. It kicked ass, we looked so good! Anyway. So we get to the frat house, and we're already feelin' pretty bad ass, cause I mean, we're at a frat house. Come on! So we get down there, we start jammin, and dancin and whatnot, and of course I was really gettin down and shakin my ass cause that's what I do. Mostly it was a big group of girls all dancing, but every now and then we'd find a boy...and that's when things would get interesting. Okay, so there's this guy here that I'm into. And he was mostly dancing with this other girl, so at first that was a bummer. We went over and danced with him for a while but he didn't seem to be into it, so I was like, screw that. Then two of the RC's came over and they were like, "hey, we want you to come over and get Dan to dance." Dan is like in his mid 20's, fairly good looking. He's the summer programs coordinator for Murray State. So he's just standing over in the corner with another faculty member. So we go over there, and I started bumping my ass up against his and dancing and gettin down...it was sweet. Oh but it got much sweeter. Matt, the aforementioned RC, is reallllllllly hot. So I went and danced with him for a few minutes. Okay, so that was great...but Matt's brother...the D.J....was even hottttttttttter. So he came down from the booth for a minute while "hot in here" was playing. And I looked at my ladies and I was like "damn! I got to get a piece of that!" So naturally, I did. I went right over and started dancing and he was shakin it right back. I was up on him and lovin it! And then the chorus came on and he lifted up his shirt a little...LORD! I thought I was going to pass out right then. I also started a toga train at one point that ended up having everyone in it and we danced through the entire house chanting "toga train!" I am so the bitch. But after all, I was the toga queen. So I woke up this morning around 11 and I ache all over from dancin...my god it's so crazy. But I am havin a kick ass time all the way. I'm just glad I get two more weeks of this stuff. I soooooo look forward to college now...I mean even more than I did before...I just want to go to frat parties and dance up on hot boys. A lot. I'm checkin' my excite email, for that anonymous poster...=) Did you get your mail? Did Susan and Norris get theirs? Anyway, I'm pooped out and just trying to relax today. My hair is still up and I feel so baked. Check you guys later... Current Mood: crazy Current Music: Nelly - Hot in here (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 19th, 2002
7:17 am	update number deuce Things are peachy here in KY...we're working on our first edition of the Murray State tabloid...it's going to be called CHARMIN...Commonwealth Honors Academy Really Mega Interesting News. The motto will be Cha Cha Cha...Charmin. All the news that's fit to wipe with! I know, it's totally lame, but I'm a pretty lame person sometimes. =) The bus ride to Cincinnati was crazy...our bus driver was an alcoholic convicted felon and the bus had like no shocks whatsoever...it felt like we were running over dead bodies every five seconds. My feet were swollen to the size of potatoes and I slept through half the opera. It was dark, it was cool, they were playing soothing music...I got up at 3 in the mornin, what do you expect!? Anyway, I'm fixin to head over to the Performing Arts hall for a little audition type thing for the "talent show"...I'm just going to read some poetry. Oh, and just so you know...I know I talked realy nice about people in my first entry, but trust me. There are some people here who make me want to rip my face off! This girl name Jie just..oh my god i think everytime I'm around her I want to kill someone really violently. She's like the bain of my existence. She's Heather mixed with some really really verbal smart annoying kid. GOD! It's awful. Then there's this other kid Anna who we saw PICKING HER NOSE ON THE BUS! In front of everyone! Okay, not so bad, right? Sometimes you just have a boogie? BUT THEN SHE ATE IT! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SHE ATE HER SNOT! IN FRONT OF ALL OF US! And even worse, she farted at the floor meeting. Just farted! And it was so loud and we all heard but she just sat there. Good god. Anyway, I'm the life of the party as usual, =), and everything's going well. Having a blast so far. Love you guys mucho a lot. I'm trying to write some of you physical letters in my nonexistent free time, so check your mail boxes!! I'm out... Current Mood: bouncy Current Music: Dave Matthews Band - Satelite (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 18th, 2002
12:24 pm	greetings from CHA Okay, poo on me for not updating you guys until today, but you have to have sympathy for my plight...it's been really difficult for me to get my hands on a computer, despite the fact that I've been trying since day one to do just that. Saturday was cool, got settled in, the norm...it was a very exhausting day. My roomate's name is Divya, she's Indian. She seems like a really cool girl but she doesn't talk a lot and I think she is having a little trouble opening up/adjusting. I've met some cool peeps on my floor and in a couple of my classes, so things are going well. We got up at 2:30 a.m. yesterday to load buses at 3 a.m. for a trip to Cincinnati...we went to the Cincinnati music hall to see Romeo and Juliet opera...it was...interesting. It would have been great if I wouldn't have been falling asleep throughout the entire thing. It was very tiresome. But overall, I guess it was a good experience...we all shared in the pain that Romeo and Juliet took like an hour to die. At that point we were just like, hurry it up and croak already. I went to my first theatre class today, I'm playing Anne in Cheaper by the Dozen...it is a really funny play so I'm excited about that. One thing to not be excited about is the fact that my journalism class isn't really journalism at all, but instead Media Studies, meaning we're watching SciFi movies and discussing their effects on American culture. But alas, I'm trying to focus on the good right now. I'm going to try and email you all again when I get a chance, but right now I'm incredibly busy. I miss all of you and your pictures are tacked up on my bulletin board staring me in the face every morning when I drag myself out of bed. Hot guy numbers are okay...some of them are probably do able. =) I'm sure they will all become more attractive as the days pass and I have less and less contact with the outside world. More later (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, May 17th, 2002
9:22 pm	if i ceased to exist for one day, would you be able to continue to function? too f--ing many people are way to f--ing dependent on me. today sucked. tomorrow will likely suck. sunday and monday look to have similar forecasts. so upset, so frustrated, so angry, so confused. people say things they don't mean and mean things they don't say and i don't know what anyone thinks anymore. i feel like i wake up in the morning for the sole purpose of being hurt. go to school, be hurt, come home. i can't wait to go to murray state. i hate school. journalism doesn't make me happy anymore and people have already distanced themselves from me enough that it won't make a difference. i need to go and figure out why i liked this crap to begin with. Current Mood: crappy Current Music: Pink - Don't Let Me Get Me (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 5th, 2002
8:26 pm	H-O-B-Y! Just a few thoughts from an amazing weekend... You learn something new everytime you attend a HOBY conference...as we said in our cheer, whether you're a staffer or whether you're an ambassador. I think I could work for HOBY for the rest of my life. And I think I'm going to. Bananas UNITE! Beaver one, beaver all, let's all do the beaver call! To be enthusiastic, you must act enthusiastic! You've got to take off your cool jacket before anything can happen. Sometime's it's hard to take off because you've had it on for a long time. But it's gotta go. People are amazing. Okay, Hugh is amazing. There is no other program like HOBY on this earth...no matter what you think or what anyone tries to tell you, you can't get this anywhere else. What would life be like without HOBY? Would anything be worth living? Beans is a bad motha... And he held me at arms length, and he looked at me, and he told me to change the world. And you better believe I'm going to. Current Mood: ENTHUSIASTIC Current Music: Salt 'n' Pepa - Shoop (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 30th, 2002
8:50 pm	Official HOBY countdown... Only two days left to go before I head to Dickson! This has got to be the most exciting thing I've done in a long time...I cannot wait to get there and start the cheers...share my WLC memories...and help these kids have just as amazing of an experience as I did a year ago. I'm soooooo ready. I got started packing tonight and I have all of my HOBY gear...my WLC jacket, my pull-over, all five of my HOBY shirts, my necklace...everything. I'm like a HOBY tour-de-force. At this point the only thing that is keeping me alive and stable is the continuous knowledge that at 4:30 on Thursday afternoon I get to sit behind the wheel and head to Camp Garner Creek. Thank God. So many bad things happened today...and yesterday, too. But there isn't any point in rehashing them now because it will only piss me off and make me angry again and right now I'm on cloud 9. T-minus two days and counting... Current Mood: excited Current Music: Ben Folds - Gone (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 28th, 2002
2:44 pm	my heart is sick of being in chains... Things I need: For school to be out. For school to be over. To be in college. To not be stressed. To not be depressed. Guess I'll start working on this list at some point. For now I can just wallow and make myself feel better by spending money and eating. That's what I did yesterday and it seemed to work out pretty well. Had a little help from Roberts and Felts, of course. Once my lover, now my friend What a cruel thing to pretend What a cunning way to condescend Once my lover but now my friend Oh you creep up like the clouds And you set my soul at ease Then you let your love abound And you bring me to my knees... --Fiona Apple, "Shadowboxer" That one seems to be helping out, too. Sometimes I just think that if I can make it through the ridiculous pettyness that is adolecense I'll be okay...and then other times I'm not sure if it's going to be possible. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Tori Amos - Crucify (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 25th, 2002
9:03 pm	living is like this... I haven't been too faithful with the journal entries lately, but things have gotten a little busy. Wait a minute, they haven't gotten that way...things pretty much just are busy. Why do sweaters make me soooo happy? I got a new little woven pull-over thing at Marshall's and it was cold in the house tonight so I put it on...and now I just feel so cute. I love it. Stacy and Allison are in New York tonight...they should be at Phantom of the Opera right now. I'm excited for them, I hope they're having a good time...it's such a great city. I watched this show tonight called the Bachelor...it was the season finale and I'd never seen an episode but I managed to get completely involved with it. It was really good! Now I wish I'd watched the whole dumb season. But I did manage to call who he picked. I'm just good like that. I'm very confused by myself right now. I find myself stuttering...literally...and not knowing what to say or do in all these situations. What happened to the clear, poised me? When did this blithering idiot jump in and catch me off guard...it's so crazy because this is just one of those times in my life I have to get through, you know? No one else can really tell me what to do here...it's all up to me. Living through adolesence is going to be enough of an achievement to last a lifetime. Only 16 school days left to go. Thank God. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Ani Difranco - Out of Range (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 20th, 2002
10:43 pm	today was a good day... In the words of Ice Cube. So the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me happened to me tonight...here goes. So Stacy and I are driving, or should I say Stacy is driving and I'm riding, down Stage Road...and naturally we're bumping rap music. What the hell else do we do? So anyway, we stop at a light and we're looking on both sides of us to see who's around us like everyone always does...don't lie, you do it too...and I see these people two lanes over in this like red T-bird or something...it was a white 20-something couple. So they're staring at us, I'm staring at them, you know how it goes. And the light turns green. So we pull out, and they're all racing ahead, and we're like yeah, yeah trying to beat the Gerbil...and suddenly they slow back a little, and the guy, who is driving, might I add, whips out a camera and takes a picture of us! I mean what the hell!? So we're all freaking out and screaming and stuff, and so we pull up closer and Stacy's like, "flip him off!" So, of course, I did. We drive by, I hold out my middle finger and scream "take a picture of this!!" at the top of my lungs...it was so great. Then they kept with us until the next light and stopped and were yelling things at us, but we wouldn't look over...it was so friggin weird. Wow. I mean that's all I can think to say here. Current Mood: high Current Music: Ice Cube - Today Was a Good Day (Comment on this)
Friday, April 19th, 2002
10:05 pm	lovin' what i see... Just got back from the Virtuous Woman Conference...gonna learn to be virtuous. So far, it's kind of working. =) Life is okay. Stress is manageable...next week will come eventually. So will next year. I just need to be patient. Even if I don't have someone to love, I know someone, somewhere, is waiting to love me. I just need to be patient. Even if I can't be a kid again...if I can't be 9, or 10, or 11, for Allison's sake...I can still be who I am. I can be right now. And I can make that worth it. Just a few things I picked up over the past few days. Just to keep you posted, yesterday's personal goal for the day was accomplished. I did not, in fact, fall asleep in Coach Dyke's class. And today's personal goal was to do something positive for humanity...and though it, too, was accomplished, I cannot at this time divulge that information. Sorry. Well, I have to be virtuous again tomorrow morning, really early...so I should probably go fulfill that old maxim, "Sleep is a virtue." Or was that patience? Well, I need both, so I guess it really doesn't matter. Current Mood: groggy Current Music: Coldplay - Trouble (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 17th, 2002
7:27 pm	personal goal setting mission: day one I've decided to start setting personal goals for myself. Yes, they will be small goals--and perhaps, to you, unimportant. But to me, they are of great signifigance...and I've decided that if I can set and meet one goal a day, I'm on my way to becoming an even more fabulous person. Today's goal: Learn exactly where in the song "Sultans of Swing" Mark Knopfler says "Creole." Oh yes. It has been accomplished. Picture the scene: I'm driving down Stage, 107.5 The Pig blasting through my speakers, Sultans of Swing on the air. The words come out..."the sultans play creole..." and precisely...yes PRECISELY! the right amount of time later, I said creole again...wow these victories really do feel good. So day one, success one. Tomorrow's Goal: Make it through first period without falling asleep. This might be fairly easy, considering that we are watching Apollo 13 right now, and I'm generally interested in it...however, this does also include the time before and after the movie in which I might ordinarily have catnapped...tomorrow, I will be strong. More on that as it develops. I went to see Michelle today...she couldn't really talk because her throat is severely swollen, and she has an IV in her arm pumping fluids in...but she said she should be fine...I'm still worried. Welcome to my life. Anyway, must be off...waiting on a phone call from Coach Harrington so I can interview the man and write an article. Gotta make up a resolution for the SHSMUN meeting tomorrow...most excellent. Adios. Current Mood: calm Current Music: John Mayer - No Such Thing (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 16th, 2002
9:14 pm	complete confusion. Michelle is in the hospital...I'm confused and worried and completely lost. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say or how to be...I'm scared. I'm scared that everything I've been anticipating and dreading for the past four months is coming true right in front of me. I don't want to lose her. Nothing makes sense right now. Nothing ever makes sense...I'm waiting for that moment...those ten seconds when the world will slow down and things will fit together--and life will be simple. For that one instant...I'm waiting. God I hope it comes soon. Current Mood: scared Current Music: Sheryl Crow - Leaving Las Vegas (Comment on this)
Monday, April 15th, 2002
7:19 pm	Comments truly are wonderful...especially when they're thought provoking, intellectual comments. Thanks sugar. Sometimes I think it's important for people...including me...to take their own advice. I think I realized that the easiest way to advise yourself is to dispense your knowledge and advice to others, and then attempt to absorb and apply what you're saying to them to yourself and your own life. Much easier said than done, I know...as are most things in life. If you've never tried listening to music before you go to sleep, I would highly recommend it. I've been doing it since about early March now and it is the most therapeutic thing...it just gets you thinking...it opens your mind up and plants seeds for you to dwell on. And not in a bad way...I don't know how to explain it. Just give it a try. I think I decided I'm going to make a promise to myself about this summer...we only have 28 days left after all, thank God...and that promise is that I'm going to let go a little bit and be young. I want to run around outside and play with my dog and do kid things. I think I was too ready to jump into the working world...I mean God knows I love my job. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. But I think sometimes we might be so eager to get on to something new we don't realize how valuable what we have is. Maybe that's what happened to Michelle. If you haven't listened to Video by India.Arie, you should really check it out...it's a really awesome song. I don't want to get all preachy again, because I think one time per week is probably enough, but you should really listen to it...it's a great booster for when you're feeling not so super some days...especially for the ladies. You should also listen to Widespread Panic's cover of Gin and Juice...you'll never hear anything as humorous as a bunch of middle-aged white men playing that song on acoustic guitars with southern twangy accents..."with my mind on my money and my money and my mind" never sounded quite this good. Current Mood: quixotic Current Music: Traffic - Glad (Comment on this)